six, and slightly upsetting.

Another boring, regular, normal day of school completed.

I'm sick of the shame old shit, but who isn't.

Lately I've been plagued with secrets sort of. Things i don't want to tell my friends because i know their opinion on the topic is the exact opposite as mine. Things i don't want to share with them for fear of ridicule, or fear of rejection by them. I honestly can't let my friends run my life like this. It's oppressive and it makes me want to pull my hair out. I know that what I need to tell them they'll be mad because they hold a two year old stupid grudge. even though I've let mine go and I have more reason to keep it. I find them to be so hostile to the past, like if something bad happened about 5 years ago they'd still cut that persons throat. And for what? Because they said something bad, because they looked at you wrong, because of an awkward crush that happened in middle school. I don't know but that is one instance where our ideas and beliefs clash strongly.

I don't want to hold a person captive in a bad impression forever. If they have proved themselves, then why still hold a grudge?

This is a huge part of whats going on in my mind right now. Since, the conflicting opinion is do I or don't I? Do I tell them about this idea in my head, this feeling i have. Or don't I, and keep it to myself and avoid conflict and take the easy route. It's slightly obnoxious. Two of them might accept it, but one might not. But I'm guessing they'll all gang up against me, what usually happens since its fun for them to ignite drama into their lives that makes them seem like the victims.

Yet, another conflicting idea and concern I'm having about my friends. Don't get me wrong, I think of them as siblings, pretty much sisters. But I can't excuse them for their sort of wrong ideas about things.

Its almost like if you were to hit someone, it leaves a mark but fades away. For them, that mark stays with them until death. For me, the mark stays with me until the person who created it shows me that it can be erased.

I don't know...that analogy was kind of awkward...but the point was made.

I'm thinking I should just go for it and not talk to them about it. Its me that has to make the decision anyways, not them.